Advice and resources for "late-bloomer" queer and questioning folks

Brought to you by your fave late-bloomer lesbian

One of the things I’m best known for online is my status as a “late-bloomer” lesbian (also known as a “later-in-life” lesbian or, my personal favorite, which I made up, “late-to-the-party” lesbian)—i.e., someone who came out past their childhood/teen years. Not only did plenty of people watch me go through that messy progression and a divorce in real time, but also, now that I’m past the most difficult parts of coming out later, I make a lot of content about it.

Occasionally that content performs especially well and lands in the laps of thousands of late-bloomer queer and questioning folks (like this video on late-bloomer lesbian “math” did last week). When that happens, my DMs get flooded with people looking for advice, encouragement, and resources. So I thought I would do Future Me a favor and put together a written resource I can (1) send to folks who are desperate for answers and hoping to feel less alone, and (2) continue to add to over time as needed. Below is that resource.🩷

A love letter to confused and questioning queers everywhere

Queerly beloved,

However you got here, I’m so fucking glad you did. You sure know how to make an entrance, huh? 😉

If you’re reading this, it’s more likely than not you’re a big ol’ queer. But let’s set that aside for now since you’re still trying to figure everything out for yourself and you’re probably here looking for some answers. Maybe you’re thinking of coming out for the first time or coming out again. Maybe you’re questioning your sexuality or your gender or both! Maybe you’re in a preexisting relationship or you have kids and you’re wondering how stepping into your queerness might permanently alter your life and the lives of those you love.

Bad news first: I don’t have the answers you seek.

I know. I’m sorry! I really wish I could pull out a sparkly rainbow crystal ball and tell you your future (I for sure wanted one for myself back in 2020/2021).

But there’s good news too. I don’t have the answers you seek because you have the answers you seek.

Cue the massive groan!

I promise I’m not just being cute. You really do have the answers you need, and with the right tools and a lot of self-trust, you’ll be able to separate that inner wisdom from all the other voices shouting in your head.

The advice and resources that comprise the rest of this document are a great place to start or keep digging; if nothing else, I hope they’ll remind you you’re not alone. But at the end of the day, you are the only person who can decide the direction of your life. You are the only person who can interpret the ins and outs of who you are, what you want, and what choices will hopefully make for a more fulfilling and authentic human experience.

I trust you to do that for yourself. Now you’ve just gotta learn to trust you too.

Queerly yours,

Shohreh

Things I wish I’d known when I was in your shoes

Here is a list of the most common reminders and bits of advice I find myself doling out to late-bloomer queer and questioning folks:

1. If you have a feeling that something's not quite right in your life, with your relationships, or with how you express yourself, don't ignore and shove down that feeling. Instead, lean into it (even though it's scary!) and get curious about what's really going on with you. I spent a long time feeling unhappy in my life and marriage and assuming something was wrong with *me* instead of interrogating what else might be going on. You can read more about that in this essay.
   

2. You're allowed to take your time with absolutely everything, including figuring out your labels, coming out, reassessing current relationships, dating, etc. Everyone is on their own journey, and you don't have to do anything until you're ready. And, remember that fear and courage go hand in hand. If you’re waiting for your fear to dissipate before taking action, you might be waiting forever.

3. A lot of people tell me the thing holding them back from coming out and living more authentically is their fear of hurting people—hurting their spouses, their children, their parents, etc. I get that. Our lives are tangled up in the lives of those around us, and big decisions rarely only affect ourselves. But not hurting anyone isn’t a realistic goal, especially if it means sacrificing yourself in the process. Hurting my ex-husband by asking for a divorce is one of the most challenging things I’ve ever had to do, and I’d be lying if I said the end of our marriage wasn’t extremely difficult for both of us. However, pushing down my feelings would have hurt us both too. It would have hurt me because I would’ve been living less than my full truth, and it would have hurt him because he deserves a partner who can be fully invested. As of this writing, it’s been three years since we decided to get divorced, and we are both living lovely separate lives with new partners (and we’re still on good terms).
   

4. It’s normal and expected to feel a wide range of feelings as a late-bloomer queer person. You’re probably going to go through cycles of mourning mixed with euphoria. There will be fear muddled with hope. One minute you might feel on top of the world like a teenager getting kissed for the first time, and another you might feel like hot garbage like a teenager getting dumped for the first time. This essay, “Living on ‘queer time,’” may help you put some of those feelings into perspective.
   

5. It's okay to change your mind! Not only are you an ever-evolving human, but also, our language is ever-evolving. Our understanding of different identities is ever-evolving. As we go through life, we develop new tools and awareness that we didn't have before. So it's fine to change your labels, pronouns, haircut, or anything else whenever you want or need to. I came out twice in three years publicly for my sexuality, and I’m only just now beginning to explore gender. I don’t presume to know I will ever have myself 100% figured out, and that’s part of the fun of living. How cool is it that you can keep surprising yourself?
   

6. There's no one "right" way to be queer, no matter which part of the LGBTQIA+ umbrella you fall under. Your queerness is not more or less valid based on how you present yourself, how many rainbows you have around your house, who you've dated/slept with, how out you are to people in your life or online, or any other measure. Queerness can be as much or as little of your life as you want it to be, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.

7. Every path to queerness should be respected and celebrated. There's this popular bumper sticker in Texas that says something along the lines of, "I wasn't born in Texas, but I got here as fast as I could," and that's kind of how I think of my path into queerness. This isn't to say I don't think I was born queer, only that it took me a long time to figure it out and step into my queerness. Some folks know from an early age, but for others, it takes longer. I won’t lie to you—some people will be committed to misunderstanding you because you came out later, and it hurts when that happens. But any people who will not extend respect and empathy to you because your life experiences look different from theirs are not your people. I promise you’ll find the people who will accept and love you for exactly who you are.

Resources you might find helpful

Here is a list of resources I link to again and again for late-bloomer queer and questioning folks, broken out by category:

My coming out story and experience

A lot of people ask about my coming out journey, and it’s been documented in several episodes of my former podcast, Conjuring Up Courage (every episode has a written transcript in the show notes, and these episodes can also be found on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, etc.), and interviews I’ve done over the last several years:

• “Identity, Divorce, and Coming Out Again” - This is the emotional episode of my podcast I recorded when I was deep in the painful aftermath of my divorce and not yet publicly identifying as a lesbian.

• “Lessons I Learned From Getting Divorced” - I recorded this episode of my podcast after space, time, and a whole lot of healing from my divorce.

• “But How Did You Not Know You Were Gay?” - This is easily my most popular solo podcast episode ever where I publicly answered the question a lot of people had been wondering when I came out as a lesbian at 31.

• “Pridepalooza Q&A with Shohreh and Jessie” - This is an episode my partner and I recorded together where we answered questions about our relationship.

• “All Hail the Late-Bloomer Lesbians (Because It’s Better Late Than Never)” - This is an IG Live I did in 2022 with my friend and fellow late-bloomer lez, Nadia Bokody, where we discussed our experiences, the differences we’ve noticed between being with men vs being with women, and how compulsory heterosexuality affected us. There’s a link to a full transcript in the video description.

• The Season of You Talkshow podcast, “Ep. 43 | Life’s Too Short - Self-Trust and Sexuality with Shohreh Davoodi” (2022)

• Coming Out Pod podcast, “Episode 208: Shohreh Davoodi” (2022) - In general, Coming Out Pod is an amazing show to hear a wide variety of different coming out stories, including mine in this episode.

• To All The Men I’ve Tolerated Before podcast, “Learning Your Truth and Trusting Yourself” (2022)

• Lesbi-Honest podcast, “From Initially Identifying as Bisexual to Realizing You’re Actually a Lesbian (with Shohreh Davoodi)” (2023)

[Note: How I’ve talked about my sexual identity and experiences has evolved over time as I’ve gone through therapy, done a lot of unpacking, and figured out more refined ways to talk about it. So depending on what episodes you listen to, you may notice that.]

And yes, I am so grateful I can say that I found the love of my life post-divorce. In case you didn’t get to be along for that ride while it was happening, here are a few posts that radiate queer joy and might give you some much-needed hope:

• Introducing Jessie to the world

• Moving in together.

• Celebrating our 1st anniversary.

• Pictures and video from our planned double proposal, which was also featured on Dancing With Her.

• Celebrating our 2nd anniversary.

Tools for exploring your queerness

I regularly recommend the following resources to folks who are in the figuring-it-out stages and want to take active steps to determine what to do next:

• Untamed by Glennon Doyle* - I read this book in the spring of 2020 during the pandemic lockdown, and it completely fucked me up. It was a huge catalyst for helping me see that it was time to leave my marriage.

• The Body Is Not an Apology: The Power of Radical Self-Love by Sonya Renee Taylor* - I credit developing a better relationship with my body and improving my interoceptive awareness with helping me finally get in touch with my queerness. Being taught to ignore my body’s signals my whole life certainly played a part in me thinking I was straight. This book is a great one for learning to connect with your body.

• In the same vein, self-trust is crucial for making difficult life decisions, and I used to coach it for a living. Here’s a post about what to practice for a deeper sense of self-trust, and there’s also a three-part self-trust primer I recorded for my podcast that you may find helpful:

  • “[Self-Trust Series] Part 1: Why Self-Trust Matters”

  • “[Self-Trust Series] Part 2: What Erodes Self-Trust”

  • “[Self-Trust Series] Part 3: How To Cultivate Self-Trust”

• Here is a list of questions you can use to start or keep exploring your queerness. The questions make great journaling prompts, and they can also be used as thought exercises, topics of discussion with people you trust or a mental health professional, or something to create art in response to.

• I am not much of a Reddit fan, but I make an exception for the subreddit, r/latebloomerlesbians. You could scroll for hours reading the different stories and advice offered here, and it’s a great place to connect with folks who may be going through something similar to you.

• Here are some podcasts by and for late bloomers: Lesbian Chronicles; Coming Out Late; and The Late Bloomers Clvb.

I also get a lot of questions from folks who are eager to start dating and having sex but they’re nervous or don’t know where to start. Here are some resources related to that:

• “Queer Sex and Dating with Eva Bloom” - This episode features queer sexuality educator, Eva Bloom, talking about moving beyond sexual scripts, sexual compatibility, navigating sexting and dating apps, and more.

• “Experiencing Personal Growth Through Dating with Ariella Serur” - This episode features former Queer Dating Coach Ariella Serur talking about how to date better.

• Girl Sex 101 by Allison Moon* - Despite the gendered title (which is explained in detail in the introduction), I promise this sex-ed book is wonderfully trans inclusive.

• Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life by Emily Nagoski* - This is a great book about the science of sexual desire.

*Any links with an asterisk are affiliate links, which means I may earn a small commission from your purchase.

Affirmations to heal your heart

Sometimes you just need to hear helpful reminders. I’ve got you!

• If you’ve been thinking of coming out, this is for you.

• You’re queer enough.

• You can always change the direction of your life.

• If being queer was a choice, I’d still choose it.

Additionally, here are some fabulous, queer-affirming episodes of my former podcast:

• “Purity Culture and Sexual Health with Erica Smith”

• “The Girl Gang Talks Bisexuality Myths and Misconceptions”

• “Transgender Community Care with Rocky Lane and Sarah Swofford”

• “Here and Queer with the 2020 Pride Panel” featuring myself, Erica Smith, Alex Locust, Rocky Lane, and Sarah Swofford

• “The Expansive Abundance of Queerness with kali diwa and Alex Locust”

• “Storytelling, Breakups, and Living Beyond the Binary with James Rose”

• “The Girl Gang Answers Your Questions: Queer Edition”

• “Here and Queer with the 2021 Pride Panel” featuring myself, Ilya Parker, Melody Li, and James Rose

• “Finding Freedom By Embracing Your Truth with Elle Deran” (this guest is now using the name Elle, not the name you’ll hear in the episode)

[Note: Several of the episodes linked above were recorded when I still identified as bisexual. Please also be aware that many of the guests on these episodes now use different pronouns, identifiers, or names—like I said, the journey of queer discovery never really ends.]

No matter where you are on your journey, I’m sending so much love and queer magic your way to help you figure it all out.

To get in touch, shoot me an email at hello@shohrehdavoodi.com. For more from me, follow me on Instagram, TikTok, and Threads.

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