The family we choose

Redefining family and creating intentional relationships

Considering that (1) Roe v Wade is poised to be overturned by SCOTUS next month, and (2) today is Mother's Day, I've had family on my mind this week.

I've been thinking about how everyone deserves the right to choose whether or not to bring a child into this world and about how some people simply should not become parents.

I've been thinking about what society says family is and what I know family to actually be.

And I've been thinking about how whenever I'm out with my girlfriend and we see someone that we suspect is queer, we'll say to each other, "They're family," because we know how important it is for queer folks to watch over and support each other in a cisheteronormative world.

I, like many queer people, have a lot of trauma around my family of origin. I grew up feeling like I didn't fit in and believing that the authentic version of me was not loveable because it didn't conform to who my parents wanted me to be. While I fully believe my parents did the best they could given their own upbringings, trauma, and personalities, I also know that I did not get what I needed as a child. So my adulthood has required a lot of therapy and deep inner work to heal from that.

And a significant part of my healing has come from redefining family for myself and fully leaning into the queer concept of "chosen family".

Chosen family are the people outside of a person's biological family/family of origin that they can rely on for a sense of belonging, safety, and love. And while the idea of chosen family is not unique to queer folks, it's been especially prevalent in the LGBTQIA+ community because, throughout history, queer folks have regularly been abandoned, abused, rejected, and/or misunderstood by the families they grew up with. As a result, we've had to look elsewhere for kinship and support and create our own family structures. Sometimes chosen family structures are more traditional (with a named "mom" and "children", for example, as seen in ballroom culture), and sometimes they're more loose and free-flowing.

Part of the power of chosen family is the element of choice. In traditional families, people are often expected to accept mistreatment and even abuse at the hands of family members simply because they're related. Folks are guilt-tripped into keeping in contact with family members because "blood is thicker than water." But with chosen family, everyone involved is intentionally, mindfully choosing to be in relationship with one another. And that mutual understanding is what allows for a beautiful symbiosis to bloom.

I am lucky to call many people in my life, both queer and straight alike, chosen family. They are the people who accept and love me for me without expecting me to conform to their idea of me. And I would be lost without them. I especially rely on my chosen family to keep me going during weeks like this when everything feels hard and my feelings are all muddled.

So take this as a reminder that, even though you can't change the circumstances you were born into, as an adult, you hold the power to choose who you invest your love, time, affection, and energy into now. You can deem anyone to be your family, regardless of whether you're related to them by blood. And whatever it is your family of origin cannot or refuses to give you, there are incredible, wonderful people in the world who will jump at the chance to provide it instead.

Queerly yours,

Shohreh

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