Dear Shohreh: I'm not sure if I should label my relationship as poly
Dear Shohreh is an advice column where I draw on my years of lived experience—as a person at the intersection of several margins, a professional coach and consultant, a reigning reinventress, and a sought-after advice giver from friends and family—to answer the questions keeping you up at night.
Please note that my answers to Dear Shohreh questions never constitute medical or legal advice. Additionally, I craft my answers based on the information given and my own experiences and values, which may look and sound different from yours.
Dear Shohreh: I’m having a little identity crisis. I’m (mid-30s, F) happily married to my husband, and we’ve been together over a decade. We communicate well, we share a vision for the future, and we have great sex. Sometimes that sex involves another man, because that’s a huge turn-on for me, and we have a poly friend who’s game to play when we’re all together. It’s a pretty great setup, but it’s also not something I feel I can just casually bring up with my family, for example. A little hard to explain when everyone sees you in a straight-passing, monogamous-passing relationship! Are we also poly by extension? Does the label matter as long as everyone involved is honest and happy?
– Three’s Company
Dear Three’s Company: Let me first congratulate you on being in a happy, healthy, decade-long relationship! And the sex is fire? Kudos to y’all! In a world with so much misery, lasting love and friendship is always worth celebrating.
As to the question of whether your marriage is a polyamorous one because you and your husband like to play with a third person, let’s first get into the semantics and do a little bit of Non-Monogamy 101.1
The terms most often used to describe sexual and romantic relationships that include multiple partners are Ethical Non-Monogamy (ENM) and Consensual Non-Monogamy (CNM). Implied within both terms is the knowledge and informed consent of all participants (i.e., ENM/CNM ≠ cheating).
Underneath the wider ENM/CNM umbrella are a variety of specific terms, including:
Polyamory. In poly relationships, the focus is usually on some type of committed, romantic, multiple-partner relationship (this can include hierarchical and non-hierarchical polyamory, solo polyamory, throuples/triads, quads, and beyond).
Open relationships. An open relationship is one where the couple is okay with casual sex outside of the relationship in some form, but not okay with love/deep emotional connection (this relationship category can include swingers, couples who have threesomes, or partners who play separately).
Monogamish relationships. Monogamish folks exist somewhere between monogamy and open relationships. Being monogamish (a term coined by Dan Savage) typically means being mostly monogamous with one partner while occasionally engaging with others outside the relationship based on clear, agreed-upon rules and circumstances. Engaging with people outside the relationship could run the gamut from flirting and sensual dancing to dating and sex.
Relationship Anarchy. Relationship anarchists don’t believe in prescriptive, hierarchical relationships and aim to treat all of their relationships—romantic, sexual, platonic, etc.—as equal. It’s worth noting that many people consider relationship anarchy a relationship philosophy rather than a relationship style or type.
You can think of the definitions I provided above as a starting point for these terms of non-monogamy (not a mandate of their meanings). Just like there are broadly understood definitions for terms like “lesbian” and “nonbinary,” labels are personal, language is imperfect and ever-evolving, and gatekeeping is shitty.
With that in mind, I think it’s safe to say that you and your husband are participating in some form of ENM/CNM since you sometimes play with a third. However, if your engagement with a third is solely sexual, polyamorous is probably not the best label for your current setup. Open relationship or monogamish might be a better fit.
Definitions aside, I think your second question—“Does the label matter as long as everyone involved is honest and happy?”—is the most salient of the two. In my opinion, the satisfaction of all participants is far more important than the label you use or whether you choose to use a label at all.
The label is for you. I can think of tons of great reasons to adopt a non-monogamous label for your relationship. Maybe doing so would:
Make it easier to explain or authentically express your relationship structure to friends and family.
Help you and your husband find shared community (and possibly future sexual partners).
Create more positive representation in the world for relationships like yours.
Feel good and right to you.
If so, amazing! As long as the benefits outweigh the risks for you, then claim whatever label works.
But if the main reason you’re considering a new label for your relationship is that you feel like you “should” or “have to,” then I think you’d be better off exploring where that pressure is coming from and what actually matters to you and your husband.
As long as the two of you communicate—something you mentioned you’re good at—then I’m not worried about y’all at all. You’ll figure out the best path and walk it together, just like you have through everything else in the past ten-plus years. And it’s that kind of foundation that makes for fulfilling ENM/CNM relationships of all types (no matter what you call them 😉).
Queerly yours,
Shohreh
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PSA for all readers: Even though I’m knowledgeable about non-monogamy (and love my ENM friends dearly and respect the hell out of their relationship choices), I am in a monogamous relationship. Please do not take my advice in this column as permission to approach me about your romantic or sexual interest in me.