Long post alert!! I loved your article. It was like music to my own ADHD queer brain. Unlike you I’m much older and have only just realised that I’m ADHD - because my daughter (who is probably around your age) pointed out all the symptoms to me and I ticked every one. She did this out of love and frustration because she too is her mother’s daughter ie she recognizes that she too is ADHD. We can at least laugh about why I meander off into random thoughts when talking to her (or anyone) and get back to the point!!
The other thing, possibly more importantly or tragic I’m not sure, is that I only recently came out. And randomly to first my physiotherapist then my acupuncturist, then my doctor. But not my daughters. I’ve known I was different all my life. I’m in my early 60s, but feel and look younger. I think. Obviously ADHD played a huge role in that. Not the looking younger, that’s just genetics! School was a nightmare and ADHD wasn’t a thing then. Also I was in a strict girls school fancying girls. Should be bliss right?
But my upbringing was also strict and daddy pleasing played a huge part. I told them I was a boy at 12 and had my hair cut short and wouldn’t wear makeup or dresses but was just considered a tomboy. Just a phase.
I tried to make my girls school have male sports and eventually they acquiesced- this was the 70s. But they bought in cricket. (Americans haven’t caught on to cricket and with good reason). I hate cricket. So I had to content myself with hockey.
I had a massive crush on my drama teacher and I was the best in my class. But I was shy to the point of invisibility but on stage I glowed. I could be anyone I liked. I was funny and a good actor. Just couldn’t be myself. Off stage I was a daydreamer, my own imagination much more interesting than the bollox they were trying to ram down my throat. Christ knows how I passed exams. Fear of my dad I guess.
I didn’t like myself. There was no chance of me going to drama school. It had to be academic. I’m not academic. But I got a degree in languages. Not a good one but a miracle nonetheless. And I discovered booze. The only way I could be not who I am.
Had I had the courage or the right mentor, I could have changed course literally and metaphorically, joined drama school and come out. That would have been my natural environment. I didn’t. I married 3 x. Sex was a nightmare. I didn’t like men on that level. Drinking leads to bad decisions and I’d end up putting up with some guy doing it to me. Hated myself after. Drink on it. Then I got pregnant. The ‘father’ didn’t want to know. He was in my college class (you couldn’t make this up!) so my male best friend said he’d marry me.
That solved the problem of scandal in the family. But I knew it was wrong. It was. We had a child together after I got myself so drunk I could bear sex, and then I left him. With the girls.
If you’re still with me, well done!! This is the short version. Sooooo much more happened before, not least pissing it up the wall in Germany, France and Switzerland. Being ADHD and drinking hard isn’t a great combo but I thought alcohol was my friend to help me navigate this weird world. Turns out Al was just like all the horror story blokes I ended up being seduced by.
Anyway, when I read your Substack article, I thought here is somewhere I can connect. I know sexuality is no big deal in 2024, but for me to come out, even to myself and some random French medical professionals (I live in France) is a big deal.
It’s such a big deal that although I’m currently married to a man, I live in the garage. I’m writing my memoirs when my ADHD brain allows me to focus, and I’m happy in my own space. Clueless though about how to ‘be’ me on the gay scene as an old queer. I’ve missed out on so much. I long for a loving queer partner. I’ve obviously come out to the current husband. His response: “why now?” I told him 15 years ago he shouldn’t marry me. That I’m bisexual. He just didn’t listen. I’m not bisexual. I’m just queer. I’m so naive I had to buy The Queens’ English an LGBTQIA+ dictionary.
I now have to read it.
So, anyway, rambling over. BTW been sober for 7 months which is a record for me!! And no small deal. Lost 2 stone and look better with more clarity of mind. So that’s very positive.
Memoir titles:? Queer and Sober; or Sober Dancing Queer/Queen? Or is it two books? Journey to sobriety which led to courage to be me.
None of my friends know yet unless they are on Substack. So I’m not fully out.
Good to get this off my chest. Thank you for the inspiration. I’m only slowly getting the hang of Substack. This is my first post. So thanks for reading. If indeed you have. Karen.
Thanks for sharing some of your story, Karen. I think to most people who aren't growing up right now (anyone not in their teens and young twenties), coming out *is* still a big deal! I know people of all ages who are still figuring out their sexuality, experimenting with labels, dabbling in queer dating for the first time, etc. The same is true for knowing people of all ages who are figuring out they have ADHD now that resources are abundant on the internet and it's something that's actually talked about. It takes a lot of courage to examine yourself and go after what you want, and I'm proud of you for taking the steps that you have. 💖
Long post alert!! I loved your article. It was like music to my own ADHD queer brain. Unlike you I’m much older and have only just realised that I’m ADHD - because my daughter (who is probably around your age) pointed out all the symptoms to me and I ticked every one. She did this out of love and frustration because she too is her mother’s daughter ie she recognizes that she too is ADHD. We can at least laugh about why I meander off into random thoughts when talking to her (or anyone) and get back to the point!!
The other thing, possibly more importantly or tragic I’m not sure, is that I only recently came out. And randomly to first my physiotherapist then my acupuncturist, then my doctor. But not my daughters. I’ve known I was different all my life. I’m in my early 60s, but feel and look younger. I think. Obviously ADHD played a huge role in that. Not the looking younger, that’s just genetics! School was a nightmare and ADHD wasn’t a thing then. Also I was in a strict girls school fancying girls. Should be bliss right?
But my upbringing was also strict and daddy pleasing played a huge part. I told them I was a boy at 12 and had my hair cut short and wouldn’t wear makeup or dresses but was just considered a tomboy. Just a phase.
I tried to make my girls school have male sports and eventually they acquiesced- this was the 70s. But they bought in cricket. (Americans haven’t caught on to cricket and with good reason). I hate cricket. So I had to content myself with hockey.
I had a massive crush on my drama teacher and I was the best in my class. But I was shy to the point of invisibility but on stage I glowed. I could be anyone I liked. I was funny and a good actor. Just couldn’t be myself. Off stage I was a daydreamer, my own imagination much more interesting than the bollox they were trying to ram down my throat. Christ knows how I passed exams. Fear of my dad I guess.
I didn’t like myself. There was no chance of me going to drama school. It had to be academic. I’m not academic. But I got a degree in languages. Not a good one but a miracle nonetheless. And I discovered booze. The only way I could be not who I am.
Had I had the courage or the right mentor, I could have changed course literally and metaphorically, joined drama school and come out. That would have been my natural environment. I didn’t. I married 3 x. Sex was a nightmare. I didn’t like men on that level. Drinking leads to bad decisions and I’d end up putting up with some guy doing it to me. Hated myself after. Drink on it. Then I got pregnant. The ‘father’ didn’t want to know. He was in my college class (you couldn’t make this up!) so my male best friend said he’d marry me.
That solved the problem of scandal in the family. But I knew it was wrong. It was. We had a child together after I got myself so drunk I could bear sex, and then I left him. With the girls.
If you’re still with me, well done!! This is the short version. Sooooo much more happened before, not least pissing it up the wall in Germany, France and Switzerland. Being ADHD and drinking hard isn’t a great combo but I thought alcohol was my friend to help me navigate this weird world. Turns out Al was just like all the horror story blokes I ended up being seduced by.
Anyway, when I read your Substack article, I thought here is somewhere I can connect. I know sexuality is no big deal in 2024, but for me to come out, even to myself and some random French medical professionals (I live in France) is a big deal.
It’s such a big deal that although I’m currently married to a man, I live in the garage. I’m writing my memoirs when my ADHD brain allows me to focus, and I’m happy in my own space. Clueless though about how to ‘be’ me on the gay scene as an old queer. I’ve missed out on so much. I long for a loving queer partner. I’ve obviously come out to the current husband. His response: “why now?” I told him 15 years ago he shouldn’t marry me. That I’m bisexual. He just didn’t listen. I’m not bisexual. I’m just queer. I’m so naive I had to buy The Queens’ English an LGBTQIA+ dictionary.
I now have to read it.
So, anyway, rambling over. BTW been sober for 7 months which is a record for me!! And no small deal. Lost 2 stone and look better with more clarity of mind. So that’s very positive.
Memoir titles:? Queer and Sober; or Sober Dancing Queer/Queen? Or is it two books? Journey to sobriety which led to courage to be me.
None of my friends know yet unless they are on Substack. So I’m not fully out.
Good to get this off my chest. Thank you for the inspiration. I’m only slowly getting the hang of Substack. This is my first post. So thanks for reading. If indeed you have. Karen.
Thanks for sharing some of your story, Karen. I think to most people who aren't growing up right now (anyone not in their teens and young twenties), coming out *is* still a big deal! I know people of all ages who are still figuring out their sexuality, experimenting with labels, dabbling in queer dating for the first time, etc. The same is true for knowing people of all ages who are figuring out they have ADHD now that resources are abundant on the internet and it's something that's actually talked about. It takes a lot of courage to examine yourself and go after what you want, and I'm proud of you for taking the steps that you have. 💖
Thanks so much. That means a lot. I’ll be writing more soon. 💕