One of the ways you might be making yourself small and invalidating yourself is by over-apologizing.
As a general rule, I've found that folks who trust themselves more do less unneeded apologizing. That's because people with a sharpened sense of self-trust are more in tune with themselves and don't say sorry when they don't need to or don't really mean it. They also tend to be more self-assured, so they're less likely to seek the external assurance that often comes in response to unnecessary apologies.
And to be clear, necessary apologies are an extremely important part of communication. It's the ones that spill out of your mouth on autopilot that I want you to think critically about.
So what can you do to curb the habit of over-apologizing? The first step is to bring awareness to what you apologize for and where the need to say you're sorry comes from in those instances.
To get you started thinking about it, here are some of the most common things you might be apologizing for that, in most situations, you don't have to:
Your emotions. Most of us were taught to hide our emotions, "toughen up," "be positive," etc. As a result, when we do the very human thing of actually showing our emotions, we may feel the need to say sorry for it. Difficult as it might be to break the habit, you don't need to apologize for having and expressing feelings.
What brings you joy. Few things make my heart clench like when I hear someone apologize for going on about a topic that clearly lights them up or when I notice someone feels embarrassed about their hobbies or interests. No matter how niche your pleasures are, they deserve celebration, not apologies.
The state of your home. Admittedly, I'm still unlearning this one myself (thanks, mom), but who decided there is a correct level of cleanliness/tidiness for a home? After all, it's your space to do with as you wish. Plus, most people entering your abode are probably there to see its occupants, not the interior. And frankly, they're lucky to have been invited, so you do not need to apologize for how it looks.
How long it takes you to respond to someone (within reason). Just because we live in a world where instant replies are now possible doesn't mean they should be required or expected when a response is not actually time-sensitive. We're all busier than ever and trying to keep up with communications across multiple platforms and mediums. Generally, I've switched from apologizing when it takes me a while to get back to someone to thanking the person for their patience. Another thing I do rather than apologize is shoot off a quick reply letting the person know I've seen their message and I'll reply in full when I have time so they're not left wondering.
Needing time to yourself. We all have different capacities for interacting with others, and those capacities can shift and change based on what else is happening in our lives. Carving out time for yourself is not only nothing to be ashamed of, it's also strongly encouraged for your well-being. Take the time you require, and don't say sorry for it.
Your appearance. Makeup or no makeup, sweats or dressed up, disheveled ponytail or curls—if there's not a stated dress code you're in violation of, then you likely don't need to apologize for how you've chosen to show up. This is true regardless of gender, age, or body size/shape. Any judgments other people want to make about your appearance are about them, not about you, and their judgments certainly don't warrant an apology from you.
How much time it takes for you to orgasm. There is no "right" amount of time for it to take to reach orgasm, and a variety of different factors can affect the time frame. If someone is getting the INCREDIBLE OPPORTUNITY to pleasure you sexually, they should be relishing every minute of it, not focusing on how long it's taking. It takes as long as it takes, no apologies necessary.
Asking genuine questions (that aren't inappropriately invasive and don't shift labor onto someone else that you could do yourself). Asking questions in environments where learning is the goal shows curiosity and a desire to better understand. It's not an inconvenience or bother to ask genuine questions, and you don't need to hedge your questions with apologies for asking or not already knowing the answer.
Setting boundaries. The act of setting a boundary is about honoring your needs. Yes, sometimes boundaries you set might inconvenience people, frustrate them, or confuse them. But that doesn't mean you're wrong for setting the boundary.
Being your weird, wild, wonderful self. Stepping fully into your magic, living according to your values, and being your authentic self are all things that never require an apology. Not everyone will like it or applaud you for being you, but you don't need them to. It's okay to be you for you.
Once you're more conscious of the what and why behind your apologies, you can make an intentional effort to start to eliminate the extraneous ones.
Queerly yours,
Shohreh
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