Dear Shohreh: How do you know when to stick it out at a job or opt for deep rest?
Dear Shohreh is an advice column where I draw on my years of lived experience—as a person at the intersection of several margins, a professional coach and consultant, a reigning reinventress, and a sought-after advice giver from friends and family—to answer the questions keeping you up at night.
Please note that my answers to Dear Shohreh questions never constitute medical or legal advice. Additionally, I craft my answers based on the information given and my own experiences and values, which may look and sound different from yours.
Dear Shohreh: How do you know when to stick it out or opt for deep rest? In the midst of March’s insane astrology retrogrades, I’ve been in the process of realizing I’m burnt out at work. I’ve gone from crying every day one week to not being able to sit still the next and have almost quit my job five times since.
I ended up deciding to give myself a few weeks to ponder if I stick it out or if I take a leave/quit, and to contemplate a whole lot of things—is this just a familiar pattern I’m falling back into? Do I just need to try harder? Is this ADHD or regular burnout? Do I just need more coping mechanisms? Is this job eating away at my soul, or am I just in my luteal phase? I feel crazy and not crazy at the same time, and this job is literally just temporary for me (the next few months at most) before I pivot to something else. I have a long-term plan, just no short-term one.
I’m torn and feeling the pull of everything from wanting to be financially stable to not wanting to disappoint my boss and have an awkward conversation (which I know is not as important as disappointing myself). Any advice on how to trust yourself and make big decisions? Even if it’s the biggest decision of all, staying where you are?!
– Gay and Tired (of Climbing the Corporate Ladder)
Dear Gay and Tired: Career indecision—short-term and long-term—is something I’ve not only navigated repeatedly in my own life but also something I’ve helped dozens of clients untangle over the years. Under capitalism, so much is tied to our employment (or lack thereof), including the ability to meet our basic and expanded needs, our daily schedules, health insurance, retirement options, energy levels, future opportunities, sense of self, and societal respect. So, it’s not surprising that career crossroads are a frequent destination where people get stuck.
Without knowing more about you, I can’t tell you if you being burnt out and wanting to quit is indicative of you falling into a familiar pattern, connected to your ADHD (though it’s true that those of us with ADHD tend to change jobs/careers more than people without it), or being fueled by something like hormones. What I can tell you is that if your work is regularly making you cry and you’re constantly daydreaming about quitting your job, something has to change and, ideally, change soon.
Making big decisions requires filtering out the noise about what you think you “should” do and what you believe other people want you to do so you can hear your own voice. You have to trust that you know what’s best for yourself and are capable of weathering any resulting storm. If your body is giving you this many alarm bells about staying at your current job, it’s not because you’re “crazy.”
Thankfully, you’re in a unique position compared to other people I’ve counseled in similar situations because you already know this job is temporary. Given that, I think you need to ask yourself how you want to spend the next few months and, realistically, how you can afford to spend the next few months. And I mean that both financially and as it relates to your well-being. Your boss will be fine if you quit, but I don’t know if the same can be said for your physical and mental health if you stay.
You mentioned wanting to be financially stable, but you didn’t say quitting is not a financial possibility for you. So I’m assuming you have at least some means to get by temporarily without this job before your long-term plan begins, whether that’s living on savings or tightening up household spending. If that’s the case, do you think the short-term dip in financial stability from quitting would be a fair trade for a chance to rest and regroup? I’m also assuming your next career move is more important to you than what you’re doing now, so which option—staying or leaving—will put you in a better position going into that?
If you do decide to stick it out, you’ll have to figure out how to make it tolerable. I could certainly give you advice about how to set boundaries with your boss and coworkers or strategies to help you pull back enough at work so you can keep clocking in for a few more miserable months. But I’d rather take this opportunity to speak from the heart, just like I would if this was a group chat amongst friends.
Life is short, and work, even when you love your career and get to do something meaningful, is often a slog. We live in a society that glorifies working above all else yet sets people up to fail at work if they’re not white, cishet, neurotypical men. Women, people of color, neurodivergent and disabled folks, and queer people usually get short shrift in a system that wasn’t built for us to thrive.
Because of that reality (and a whole lot more I won’t get into today), I will always encourage someone to work less, not more. If you can quit without it being a major detriment to your finances and life (and the lives of any loved ones your decision will affect, like a partner or kids), I say do it and do it now.
Go REST. Like, really rest. Do activities that are restorative for you. Reconnect with old hobbies or experiment with new ones. Convene with nature. Nourish your relationships with the people you love. Allow yourself to just be for a little bit without the burden of work. Who knows if and when you’ll have the opportunity again once you start your new thing.
You don’t need anyone’s permission to step back and take a break, but if it’s helpful, I offer mine wholeheartedly.
Queerly yours,
Shohreh
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