Dear Shohreh: How do I support and stay friends with a divorcing couple
Dear Shohreh is an advice column where I draw on my years of lived experience—as a person at the intersection of several margins, a professional coach and consultant, a reigning reinventress, and a sought-after advice giver from friends and family—to answer the questions keeping you up at night.
Please note that my answers to Dear Shohreh questions never constitute medical or legal advice. Additionally, I craft my answers based on the information given and my own experiences and values, which may look and sound different from yours.
Dear Shohreh: My spouse and I have been friends with a couple for many years. This couple is now going through a contentious divorce, and I want to be supportive and also maintain the friendships. As there are so many negative feelings between the two of them right now, I don't want to be "in the middle" or come across as choosing sides. What advice do you have for me?
– (Trying to be) Supportive Friend
Dear Trying to be Supportive: While it’s certainly possible you’ll be able to stay friends with both members of the couple during and after this rocky time, there’s a reason that “neutral” isn’t a word typically associated with divorce. Unfortunately, even when things are civil, the end of a marriage necessarily involves drawing lines in the sand, setting new boundaries, and dividing things up—including, in many cases, marital friendships. So if you hope to maintain separate friendships with the two of them post-divorce, it’s going to take some effort (and a little luck).
The first thing you and your spouse need to do is discuss with each other your desires for these friendships going forward and what boundaries you’ll need to maintain for these new, independent relationships to be successful. You might want to think about:
Any parameters you’d like to set around either of them talking about the divorce/the other person. Will you remain someone they can vent to without limits, or would you prefer they focus on their feelings and not the other party? How will you respond if one of them asks for information about the other or shares something with you in confidence that you feel obligated to tell the other person?
How you’ll handle hanging out with them in the present and get-togethers in the future. Will you try to schedule an equal number of activities with both of them while they’re going through their divorce? For future gatherings, will you invite both of them? Will you alternate? Will it depend on what the event or activity in question is?
Your capacity to provide support. Will you try to give the same kind of support to both people or will it be tailored to what you think each person’s needs are currently? Will support be freely offered or will you be waiting for each of them to ask for the support they’d like from you?
Once you’re clear on those things, I suggest you have an open and honest conversation with each of them (separately) to talk about your desire to stay friends and not get caught in the middle. I’d communicate that both friendships are important to you and you want to support each of them in their happiness and healing. Then, I’d share your vision for the future of the friendship, and allow them to ask questions and revise that vision together. This would also be a great time to ask them what kind of support would be most helpful, or, even better, offer specific examples of support you could provide so the burden isn’t on them to think of something.
Just know that you can’t control what happens. Not only as a result of these conversations but also down the road as your friends settle into post-divorce life. Because the divorce is contentious, either of them might reject the idea of you not choosing sides and try to force your hand. If that happens, you’ll have to decide how to proceed—either staying friends with one of them or losing both of them. Another possibility is that you’ll start out making an effort to maintain both friendships, but over time, you’ll naturally stay closer to one person while drifting away from the other.
When my ex-husband and I got divorced (mostly amicably), we told everyone in our lives that they didn’t have to choose sides. Yet, the majority of our friends ended up having stronger relationships with one or the other of us based on who they knew first or had a deeper relationship with. As a result, there are people I used to be really close with who I haven’t spoken to in years, and my ex-husband has experienced the same thing.
Divorce is a destabilizing and unpredictable catalyst. Even with the best of intentions as a friend, you can’t know how things will turn out. That said, your desire to be supportive and loving to both of your friends through tumultuous circumstances is admirable, and my fingers are crossed that the relationships ultimately go the distance.
Queerly yours,
Shohreh
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