Dear Shohreh: I'm stuck in a friendship that feels like an obligation

Dear Shohreh is an advice column where I draw on my years of lived experience—as a person at the intersection of several margins, a professional coach and consultant, a reigning reinventress, and a sought-after advice giver from friends and family—to answer the questions keeping you up at night.

Please note that my answers to Dear Shohreh questions never constitute medical or legal advice. Additionally, I craft my answers based on the information given and my own experiences and values, which may look and sound different from yours.

Dear Shohreh: I have a friendship that feels more like an obligation, and I feel like a very mean person because of this. We have been in a loose friend group since school grade, but I am kind of the only friend that she has left, even though I feel we don’t really have a lot in common or a friendship where we enjoy each other’s differences. She also struggles with meeting new people (and said that she does not want to work on this). We meet once a week, otherwise, she would not see any people (working from home, not having hobbies where one meets people). I also have friendships that make me really happy, and I struggle with changing my mindset so that this one does not feel like an obligation that I have to do. I feel that it is not an option to end the friendship or talk about it with her as it would probably be very hurtful. I would value your input on this as I feel quite bad and stuck in this situation.

– Stuck in a Friendship

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Dear Stuck: Evolving friendships are an inevitable part of adulthood. It’s natural for some friendships to fade or end completely as the people in those friendships grow and change, but that doesn’t mean the experience is easy to navigate (as you’ve already discovered).

While I’m a big advocate for the fact that not all friendships are made equal and friends can play a variety of roles in our lives, it’s clear from what you wrote that your friendship with this person is not working for you. The obligation you feel to keep hanging out is breeding bitterness and guilt, and even if you think you’re doing a good job of hiding those feelings right now, you won’t be able to hide them forever.

Before you do anything else, I hope you can extend self-compassion to yourself for what you’re feeling. Just because you and your friend aren’t on the same page anymore doesn’t make you a “mean person.” Additionally, you’re not responsible for another person’s social life or lack of other relationships. Yes, it can be very difficult to make friends, but friendships, like romantic relationships, don’t magically drop into our laps. They’re something we have to put effort into to find and develop, and your friend is making the choice not to work on that.

As far as how to handle it with her, I disagree with your assessment that talking to her about this or ending the friendship aren’t options just because they might be hurtful, but I’ll get to those possibilities in a minute. The most passive way out of your current situation would be to let the friendship slowly fade away without ever discussing it with your friend directly. Most people have had the experience of a friendship fizzling out like that—answers to texts start to take longer, plans get canceled and rescheduling gets put off. The next thing you know, you barely talk to or see that person anymore.

Sometimes this approach works well and can save both people a difficult conversation, but I think it’s unlikely to work well for you because you said you see your friend weekly and you’re the only person she spends time with. That means such a big change will be glaringly obvious, and there’s a good chance she’ll ask you about it. You could lie and say you’re feeling overloaded right now and you’d like to hang out less (maybe every other week or only once a month). However, spending less time together would only act as a band-aid rather than address the underlying wound.

The remaining options are the two you’re afraid of because you don’t want to be hurtful: talking with her about how you feel and/or ending the friendship.

I know it sucks to potentially hurt someone whose well-being you care about, and it’s clear to me you do care about your friend’s feelings or you wouldn’t be struggling so much with this situation. Unfortunately, hurt is also the cost of being a human in relationship with other humans. Even in my closest friendships, I’ve caused hurt and been hurt. That there will be hurt is a given; what matters most is how you proceed knowing that.

There’s a way to talk to your friend about where you’re at without being an asshole. There’s a way to make the conversation about you and how you feel—like the two of you have grown apart and don’t have much in common anymore—without blaming her or being unkind. There’s a way to honor who you once were and the important roles you’ve played in each other’s lives while acknowledging that you’re different now.

You also have no idea how the conversation will go. Maybe it will turn out she’s been having similar concerns but hasn’t wanted to admit them because that would mean putting in the effort to make new friends. Maybe by talking through your feelings, she’ll commit to making some changes that will give you a fresh perspective on the relationship. Maybe you’ll both decide it’s better to see each other less often for now and having that extra breathing room turns out to be the thing that keeps the friendship alive.

Or, maybe, you’ll decide this relationship really has run its course and it’s time for you to move on so you can put your limited time and energy into friendships that feel more meaningful for you. And if that’s the result, that’s okay.

Not every friendship is meant to last a lifetime. Plus, sometimes people exit our lives and come back into them years later. I’ve been lucky to reconnect with many people who I thought were out of my life for good after discovering down the road that we’d both matured in positive ways and wanted to try again. It’s impossible to predict the long-term trajectory of your friendships.

So for now, focus on what’s right in front of you and figure out how you want to move forward. Because at least for me, it would be more hurtful to find out that one of my friends felt obligated to spend time with me and had never told me than if they were honest with me that the friendship wasn’t working for them anymore.

Queerly yours,

Shohreh

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