Dear Shohreh: My boyfriend is being neglectful in his communication with me
Dear Shohreh is an advice column where I draw on my years of lived experience (as a person at the intersection of several margins, a professional coach and consultant, a reigning reinventress, and a sought-after advice giver from friends and family) to answer the questions keeping you up at night.
Please note that my answers to Dear Shohreh questions never constitute medical or legal advice. Additionally, I craft my answers based on the information given and my own experiences and values, which may look and sound different from yours.
Dear Shohreh: I am a guy in a (t4t) relationship where my boyfriend is extremely neglectful when it comes to communication and we haven't hung out in person since the end of October. I know my friends see that as a red flag, but I love and care about him so much that I don't think I can just leave him. I don't know what to do; I feel so stuck since it's not something fitting the description of “unhealthy” or “toxic” relationships you hear about online.
– G. Azure
Dear G.: Your friends are right to be concerned that you feel neglected by your partner. While his behavior may not be “toxic,” it certainly sounds like it’s hurting the health of your relationship, which could slowly poison the love you have for him if something doesn’t change.
At the time of your submission, you hadn’t seen your boyfriend in over two months, which isn’t necessarily a red flag. For example, one of my friends is in a long-distance relationship with their partner and only sees him about twice a year because they live in two different countries. However, you also described your boyfriend’s communication as “extremely neglectful,” and that is a red flag, possibly a big one. My friend I mentioned? While they don’t get to see their boyfriend very often due to where they live, the two of them communicate in some form (and usually multiple forms) almost every single day.
That’s not to say daily communication is a requirement either. Everyone has different communication needs. But I think it’s safe to assume you wish you and your boyfriend were seeing and speaking to each other more often and that he’s the one resistant to doing so.
You didn’t say whether you’ve discussed this with your boyfriend in the past, but either way, the first thing I’d suggest you do is talk to him openly and honestly about how you’ve been feeling. Lay out your communication expectations, how often you’d like to see him, and why that’s important to you. Does increased communication and time together make you feel more loved? Respected? Understood? Tell him that. Not in an accusatory way—e.g., “Your refusal to text and call me more often makes me feel like garbage,"—but in a way that centers your experience—e.g., “I feel lonely when I don’t hear from you for long periods of time. When we do talk, it’s one of the highlights of my day.”
If he’s unable or unwilling to prioritize what you need, why not? His reasoning can help you decide whether you want to try to meet him in the middle somewhere. Maybe his work schedule makes it difficult for him to speak to you as much as you’d prefer or he hates texting, but perhaps there’s wiggle room for him to increase communication at least a little bit or find a better form of communication.
Ultimately, you have to decide what you are and are not willing to tolerate in a partner. If your boyfriend is pretty dang amazing in almost every other way and it’s only this communication issue causing a problem, you might decide you can live with it and adjust your expectations accordingly. No one is perfect, and no one exists who can check all of our “ideal partner” boxes. As long as you don’t let resentment linger, things could work out still if he won’t (or can’t) make any changes.
Still, I hope you know that you deserve to be in a partnership where your needs and desires—around communication, time spent together, or anything else—are taken seriously. You are worthy of a partner who wants to communicate with you about the tough stuff, the easy stuff, the silly stuff, and everything in between.
You said you don’t want to leave him because of how much you love and care about him, and I get that. But if push comes to shove, you may need to leave him because you love and care about yourself, darling.
Queerly yours,
Shohreh
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