How I understand my gender
Plus a little Nonbinary 101 education
Today kicks off Nonbinary Awareness Week, and while I’ve been not-so-subtly dropping hints that I identify as nonbinary for quite a few months now (different pronouns in my bios, mentioning it offhand in videos, sharing nonbinary memes), I got this comment on a post last week:
When I changed my pronouns from she/her to she/they online, Jessie joked that it was the “soft launch.” So I guess you can consider this the hard launch. But before I get into my nonbinary gender identity, let’s talk about what it means to be nonbinary in general.
Nonbinary (sometimes written as “non-binary” with a hyphen) is an umbrella term used to describe individuals who either do not identify as a woman or man or do not exclusively identify as a woman or man. Basically, a nonbinary person’s gender identity does not fit neatly into the gender binary.
Outside of that broad definition, there’s not a lot you can assume about a person who identifies as nonbinary. So here are some things to keep in mind about nonbinary folks:
You can’t know a person’s gender based on how they present themself. While androgynous presentation is often associated with nonbinary people, there is no one way to “dress nonbinary” or “look nonbinary.” People who appear feminine, masculine, or display a mix of gendered characteristics can all be nonbinary. Gender expression (the external appearance of one’s gender identity) ≠ gender identity (how one perceives their gender internally).
Nonbinary might not be the only gender identity a person has. Nonbinary can be an umbrella term that includes a variety of more specific identities beneath it, such as agender, genderfluid, genderqueer, gender expansive, and omnigender. Additionally, some, but not all nonbinary people identify as transgender. There are also nonbinary people who identify as both nonbinary and a woman or man.
You can’t assume a person’s pronouns based on their gender identity. Pronouns are personal, and anyone can use any pronouns! Not all nonbinary people use they/them pronouns, not all women use she/her pronouns, and not all men use he/him pronouns. It’s good to get into the habit of using they/them pronouns for a person until you know what their pronouns are.
Some nonbinary people experience gender dysphoria and/or choose to medically transition; some don’t. Neither experiencing dysphoria nor desiring to medically transition are requirements for identifying as nonbinary. However, access to gender-affirming care can be critical (and sometimes lifesaving!) for nonbinary folks who do want it.
Gender and sexuality are two different things. A person’s gender identity is related to what gender(s) they identify as, whereas a person’s sexual orientation is related to what gender(s) they are attracted to/date/sleep with/etc. Just like there are cisgender people who identify as queer, there are nonbinary people who identify as straight. And yes, nonbinary lesbians (like me) exist and always have.
Even though some of these concepts might be new or confusing to you, you don’t have to understand nonbinary experiences to respect them.
When it comes to my own nonbinary identity, I realized that I identify as a woman only in the sense that I was socialized to be one, and I acknowledge that people’s perception of me as a woman affects how they treat me. A friend of a friend describes it as being “classically trained in womanhood.”
My whole life, gender has been something that other people placed on me based on what’s between my legs and what I look like. Even without knowing what it meant to be nonbinary, I have always pushed back against gendered boxes and gendered assumptions. I grew up fiercely resisting the idea that girls and women had to act, dress, and be certain ways just because they were biologically female.
Externally, the gender binary has always felt off to me—something that harms more than it helps. And once I understood that gender identity is internal and turned inward to better understand mine, I discovered an expansiveness I hadn’t realized was there. An immeasurable, multicolored light that could not be contained in the word “woman” alone.
I may have been classically trained in all things woman, but I’m breaking out as a nonbinary pop diva thankyouverymuch.
I’m not a girl, but I do respond to “GIRL” or “Giiiiiiiiiiirl.”
I am a lesbian as a sexual orientation, a politic, and a gender identity.
I’m a femme siren, calling you in until it’s too late to avoid the crash on genderqueer rocks.
I’m more than meets the eye, and maybe we would all do well to think of everyone we encounter that way—more than what we can see. More than what we can imagine.
“And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.” What if it’s every moment, if we only would give people the space to feel it?
Everything, everywhere, all at once.
I’m Shohreh. I’m nonbinary. I use she/they pronouns. It’s nice to meet you.
Queerly yours,
Shohreh
To get in touch, shoot me an email at hello@shohrehdavoodi.com. For more from me, follow me on Instagram, TikTok, and Threads.
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Hi Shohreh! I came across your Substack searching for more queer writers and this has been a great first read! I’m also a lesbian who uses she/they pronouns, and I appreciate the time you’ve taken to describe your experience. I think those who don’t think too deeply / experience gender fluidity have a hard time wrapping their heads around it, and it’s accessible writing like yours that creates a bridge to understand each other. Love the “classically trained in womanhood”. For me it’s sort of many seemingly conflicting things at once: I love womanhood (in the most expansive sense of the term), I often feel on the outside of what often dominates the “culture” of womanhood (as a lesbian, as a brown woman), and I deeply believe in having a soul, center, and gender experience that is nonbinary and fluid. It’s so interesting to read about other folks’ experiences. Thank you and I look forward to more of your work!!