How do you measure a year?

Suggestions for annual curious reflection

Somehow we’ve all made it to the end of another calendar year. If you’re reading this, congrats! YOU SURVIVED. Let’s all take a moment to appreciate the air in our lungs and the blood in our veins that connects us to this vast and confusing universe.

If you’re not already being inundated with messages about goal-setting and taking control in 2025, “new year, new you!" and the like, it’s only a matter of time. But rest assured that you’re not going to hear any of that from me.

A valuable lesson I’ve learned for myself is that January is not the ideal time for me to make big plans or decisions, set life changes in motion, or allow my hopes to creep sky high. I take my cues from my Persian heritage and treat winter as my hibernate-and-recharge season. It’s not until Persian New Year—the vernal equinox—that I have the energy and verve to consider and implement shifts.

Where you’ll find me until mid-March

That said, I do like to use the end of the calendar year as a time to reflect. In part because I know there are lessons I can learn from looking back and also to make a record of the year for Future Me. I adjust the questions I use for annual reflection a little bit each year, but my goal remains the same: to meet myself with curiosity in order to understand myself better (and belt “Seasons of Love” in the process if the title of this post is any indication).

In past years, I’ve shared my list of questions online for folks to use for themselves if they’d like to. This year, I’m taking it one step further. In addition to the questions, I’m sharing some of my answers to each question so you can see this exercise in action (and learn more about me in the process!). For the sake of length, I’m going to keep my answers on the shorter side, but I’ll expand on them when I do this in my journal.

Before I jump in, here’s what I always share with folks who are considering doing this kind of reflection exercise:

• I usually handwrite the answers to my questions in my journal because I start a new journal every year. However, these questions would also be great discussion prompts to use with a partner, friend, or therapist, general writing or creative prompts to make art with, or simply things to think on.

• You don’t have to use every question. Cherry-pick what resonates and leave the rest! You can also add your own additions.

• It’s best to approach these questions with curiosity and a lot of kindness. I do not recommend answering these questions on a bad mental health day, right after a fight with someone, etc. This exercise is not about shame spiraling or playing “what if,” it’s about discovery, growth, and giving yourself the benefit of the doubt. So if you’re not feeling up for that right now, wait a few days or weeks until you are.

With that in mind, let’s get into this year’s questions and my answers.

In what ways did you surprise yourself this past year?

• In 2024 I became an employee again after over seven years of working for myself, and I surprised myself by actually liking it. I was worried returning to working for someone else would feel restrictive and boring, but I seem to have caught lightning in a bottle with the right role, a great team and organization, and flexibility to pursue other things outside of work.

• I surprised myself by dabbling in using psychedelics therapeutically, something I’d previously been afraid to do.

• Jessie and I surprised ourselves by making the tough but right decision to not get dogs of our own just yet. We had been operating on the assumption that we would get dogs as soon as we got settled in our new house—I even paid to get an ESA letter to present to our landlords—but we came to the conclusion that it’s the wrong time for a lot of reasons and started doing dog boarding instead.

What did you at one point believe to be true this past year that turned out to be false?

• I believed that if I didn’t land a “respectable” 40-hour/week corporate job with benefits, then I was somehow being selfish (I wrote about that here). In practice, that could not be further from my truth.

• For most of the year, I believed I was writing the book that was meant to be my debut novel. It wasn’t sitting right with me, though, and upon further consideration, I made the painful choice in October to scrap that novel and move on to a different project I’m still formulating.

What were your highest highs—the moments that will define this past year for you?

• Eloping in the mountains with Jessie on our three-year anniversary.

• Getting out of the hell house and moving into a new place that feels like home.

• Starting my job at PFLAG NYC and getting paid to do work that is deeply values-aligned.

*swoon*

What were your lowest lows this past year, and how did you survive them?

• One of my lowest lows was the period at the beginning of the year when I’d been job searching for months and was feeling depressed and hopeless about ever finding work or being able to afford to leave the hell house. I survived that period with the help of people I love who guided me and kept showing up for me when I was struggling to show up for myself.

• Another one of my lowest lows was my fruitless hunt for a new primary care doctor that left me having access to my ADHD meds inconsistently for 3/4 of the year. I survived by rationing my meds to the best of my ability and continuing my search until I finally found an incredible, affirming PCP this past October who is genderqueer and the doctor of my dreams.

What new things did you learn this past year?

• I learned how to dutch braid my hair (then promptly chopped off like 6” of hair a few months later, so I am no longer practicing that skill).

• I learned new tools and skills for keeping our houseplants alive and happy.

• I learned how to enjoy cardio and do it consistently (shout-out to my Peloton bike, which I purchased thinking it would be a huge chore but now really like having as a part of my exercise routine).

• I learned how to build a paver patio (and you will never catch me doing that again!!).

Who were the people that made the biggest impact on you—positive or negative—this past year?

• My wife, Jessie, teaches me every day about love, support, kindness, and friendship. She also teaches me about science, technology, and how to do stuff around the house.

• Two incredible writers and people, Emily and James, had a massive impact on me this past year through their next-level friendship and encouragement about my craft. My first meeting with James IRL led me to wax poetic about her here. I didn’t put any essays up for publication this past year and I threw out my novel; yet, I feel like I still grew as a writer, and Emily and James were a big part of that.

• Ridiculously long catch-up calls with my dear friend, Sarah Gray, and separately with Ally and Tiff, my chaos Girl Gang crew, were a regular delight throughout this past year and helped me continue to feel close to people that I live far from.

What did you plan to do this past year that you didn’t complete, and do you want to leave it behind or recommit to it in the new year?

• Jessie gave me a beautiful guitar for my birthday at the end of 2023, and that guitar spent most of 2024 acting as an office decoration. I had planned to start guitar lessons, but due to finances, moving again, and a lack of time, I never did. I would like to recommit to starting guitar lessons in the new year and making music a regular part of my life again, whether that’s playing guitar or keyboard.

• I also planned to finish my novel this past year, but as I’ve already mentioned, I decided to kill that project. I do still want to bring a book into this world, so my goal for 2025 is to make significant progress on my new novel. I would love to start and finish it this year, but if last year taught me anything, it’s that I’m juggling a lot of stuff at once and I need to be less rigid with my goals.

Where did you fall short this past year and not live up to the version of yourself you most want to be? What factors contributed to you missing the mark?

• Most of the times I fell short were fueled by my lack of patience and my internal drive to jump into certain things without stepping back long enough to scan for red flags and thoughtfully consider them. Rushing is my downfall, and I need to remember that I’m allowed to take my time and be picky.

In what ways did you live your values this past year, not just talking the talk but walking the walk?

• While I didn’t get to make as much content as I would have liked in 2024—now that I do digital marketing, including social media, for my main paying gig, it’s a lot harder to find the time and energy to make unpaid content for myself, especially videos—I still showed up online as visible queer representation and shared plenty of educational content and advice that I know was helpful for folks.

• I turned down multiple brand deals for companies and politicians that would have made me a lot of money but were out of alignment with how I feel comfortable influencing others.

• I made an effort to be less hard on myself about a lot of things. I tried to keep in mind (with varying degrees of success) that just because I didn’t meet all of my goals all at once doesn’t mean I’ll never meet them.

• I showed up generously for my friends in quiet ways that don’t get posted on social media and don’t need to.

Lastly, in what ways did you become a more true and beautiful version of yourself this past year?

• At 35, I really do think I am the smartest, hottest, funniest, most talented, and best version of myself I’ve ever been. This past year I leaned into a lot of things I know to be true about myself rather than fighting against them. I’m learning to love who I am as I am, without always striving so hard to improve or change. More of that in 2025, please.

Thank you for following along with my reflection questions, and thank you for supporting The Queer Agenda in 2024 as a reader!

If I’ve made an impact on your life this past year, there are three different ways you can further support me heading into 2025:

1. Share The Queer Agenda. Encouraging others to subscribe and read my work here ensures more people benefit from it.

2. Become a paid subscriber. The cost is $6/month or $60/year. In addition to supporting me as a writer and creator, paid subscribers get occasional exclusive content like queer book reviews and curated playlists (plus access to the full archive of past paid posts) and priority submissions for my Dear Shohreh advice column.

3. Send a gift my way to show your appreciation. I keep a gift wishlist of jigsaw puzzles and books for folks who want to send me something as a thank-you for my work.

I’m wishing you a peaceful end to your year, and I’m holding deep gratitude for your existence as we head into the next one.

Queerly yours,

Shohreh