Dear Shohreh: I'm struggling to share with my friends how much I care about them
Dear Shohreh is an advice column where I draw on my years of lived experience—as a person at the intersection of several margins, a professional coach and consultant, a reigning reinventress, and a sought-after advice giver from friends and family—to answer the questions keeping you up at night.
Please note that my answers to Dear Shohreh questions never constitute medical or legal advice. Additionally, I craft my answers based on the information given and my own experiences and values, which may look and sound different from yours.
Dear Shohreh: My freshman year in college I told someone that they were one of the best friends I'd made so far, and then three years later they told me that our entire friendship was just a lie based on them pitying me and feeling pressured. Since then, I've been completely closed off and unable to tell friends that I care about them without locking up because I'm so afraid to end up in the same situation. After coming out as trans, I've made some wonderful friends at work who I really value both for themselves and for their supportive nature. I remember one of them scheduling time to hang out on a video call and feeling a warm feeling when they described it as female companionship time. This became an amazing regular hangout that we all kept up. Now, one of them is leaving and I realized that they're probably some of the best friends I've had in a very long time, maybe ever. Part of me wants to tell them both that, but the thought of opening up like that makes my heart lock up. Do you have any suggestions for how to be more open?
– Closed-off and Alone
Dear Closed-off: My heart clenched reading about what happened with your college friend, and I had to coax it into softness again. With an experience like that—especially during some of the most formative years of your life—it’s no wonder you’ve had a difficult time opening up since.
I hope you can hear me when I say this: What that person said to you was not your fault, and it also wasn’t kind. I would guess that it had less to do with you and more to do with their own unworked-through stuff and immaturity.
Expressing your positive feelings of friendship for someone does not, on its own, amount to pressuring someone to be your friend and spend time with you. They, an adult (albeit a young one), made the choice to continue a friendship with you for three years without ever once expressing to you that the friendship wasn’t working for them. It’s true that sometimes friendships are more meaningful to one person than the other. But them turning around and trying to blame you for their decision to continue a friendship they weren’t fully invested in was a shitty thing to do.
Unfortunately, you can’t change having gone through that experience or the profound effect it’s had on your ability to be open with friends since. But you can change where you go from here, and you can take back your power in your friendships instead of ceding it to someone in your past who hurt you.
I can tell from what you wrote that even though you’re afraid to end up in a similar situation, you’re yearning to be able to fully express your feelings to the people you care about. As you should be! Love is meant to be shared. It is so much better to give people their flowers while they’re still around to receive them, and as a trans person, I imagine you understand that better than most.
So, how can you get past this block and start to express love and admiration to your friends again?
I would take to heart that all love—romantic, platonic, and otherwise—comes with the possibility of peril. There’s a Glennon Doyle quote on a post-it note on my monitor that reads, “We are alive only to the degree to which we are willing to be annihilated.” To be vulnerable is to bare our soft underbellies with bated breath in hopes that they will be gently stroked rather than struck.
The alternative is to close yourself off and risk nothing. But doing so will always bar you from the deeper connection and full expression of your feelings that you’re seeking—an outcome that creates a different kind of pain. You’ve already stated that these friendships are incredibly supportive and meaningful to you. Imagine how much further they could go if you can get to the point of being all in.
The way you approach the conversation can make a big difference in how comfortable you feel. Sometimes when I want to talk to someone about a topic that I know might be challenging and/or triggering for me, I preface that with the person so they’re more likely to show up for me in the way I need. Here’s an example of how you might do that with your friends:
“There’s something I’ve been wanting to tell you, but before I do, I need you to know that I had a bad experience in the past that’s made it difficult for me to be completely open with my friends. Even when what I want to share with them is positive, I struggle to say it because I’m afraid they won’t be honest in return. I would appreciate it if you could keep that in mind when I share my feelings with you.”
If their response is warm and affirming (which I suspect it will be based on how you’ve described these lovely people!), take a deep breath and share with them the impact that their friendship has had on you and your life and explain that it felt important to you to let them know that while you still had the chance.
Hopefully they’ll respond in kind and it will be clear to you they really, truly mean it. But even if they don’t—even if it turns out you’re all having different experiences of this friendship—that doesn’t change your truth or feelings and how important it feels to you to share them. You can only control yourself and your own actions, not other people’s responses.
You deserve honest friends who can love you as you desire to be loved and who will be gentle when your soft underbelly is exposed. I have a good feeling that these folks fit the bill.
Good luck!
Queerly yours,
Shohreh
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