One of the books I recommend a lot to “late-bloomer” queers and other folks struggling with self-trust is Untamed by Glennon Doyle. Your mileage may vary with the book, but something Glennon writes about beautifully is what she calls “the Knowing.”
Glennon describes how she started practicing what is essentially a form of meditation—shutting herself in her closet and trying to do nothing but breathe and sink deeper into herself—and how after doing that repeatedly for a few weeks, something began to happen.
“There in the deep I could sense something circulating inside me. It was a Knowing.
I can know things at this level that I can’t on the chaotic surface. Down here, when I pose a question about my life—in words or abstract images—I sense a nudge. The nudge guides me toward the next precise thing, and then, when I silently acknowledge the nudge—it fills me. The Knowing feels like warm liquid gold filling my veins and solidifying just enough to make me feel steady, certain.”
As someone who has done coaching and consulting around self-trust for over seven years, it’s obvious to me that the Knowing Glennon discovered in those closet sessions is self-trust by another name. And the reason I was able to build a whole career around teaching self-trust is because most of us have no idea how to tap into it (for more on why that is, you can listen to this episode of my former podcast).
What I’ve learned from my work is that self-awareness is at the heart of self-trust. Self-awareness turns up the volume on your inner voice, making it easier to drown out all the external noise and societal pressures you're constantly in contact with. So, the more invested you are in getting to know yourself, the more confidently you’ll be able to make decisions. But that’s easier said than done.
How do you begin to figure out who you are when you’ve spent a lifetime being told who you’re supposed to be by outside forces? In my experience, you do it by practicing turning toward yourself with intention and curiosity again and again.
Thankfully, there are many tools, practices, and questions you can utilize to dive deeper into yourself, and I’ve put together a list of 20 of my favorites.
Take stock of your temperament. What are your natural preferences? Do you consider yourself to be introverted or extroverted? Do you embrace rules or rebel against them? Do you like to make plans or do you prefer to be spontaneous? Are you a big ideas person or a details person? What learning styles work best for you? What are your biorhythms (daily energy peaks and valleys, morning person vs night owl, etc.)? The more clarity you have about your organic traits, the easier it will be to work with them (or at least stop beating yourself up about it when your temperament doesn’t line up with the status quo).
Notice the voices you frequently hear in your head that masquerade as your own but actually belong to other people and ideologies. I call these voices the “ghosts of self-doubt,” and one of the ways to recognize them is to listen for when you use words like "should," "ought to", "must," and "have to" in your decision making. When you notice those words haunting you, ask yourself, “Says who?” See if you can figure out the origin of the belief you’re living by, and then think about what authority that person (or system) has in your life and if you even want to keep following their lead.
Identify your strengths and weaknesses. Get honest with yourself about where you currently excel and where you currently struggle (remember: these things can be worked on). When it comes to your weaknesses in particular, consider some of the common themes from times in the past when you've felt disappointed in yourself or out of alignment.
Investigate what makes you feel energized and inspired vs what makes you feel exhausted and depleted. Once you have a better sense of this, you may be able to rearrange your schedule accordingly or work on eliminating, delegating, or trading some of the things that regularly wear on you.
What have been some of the most meaningful events in your life and why? What have you done in your life that you're most proud of? Consider what wisdom you can glean about yourself and your values from those events and instances.
Develop a journaling practice. I know not everyone likes to journal, but that's partly because people get caught up in thinking there's only one "right" way to journal. Journaling for you could be jotting down notes, making lists, free writing whatever comes to mind (even if it's just a stream of curse words), writing about your day, or responding to specific prompts, and you don't have to do it daily or even weekly if that doesn't work for you. No matter how you choose to journal, you'll likely benefit from opportunities to take things out of your head and put them on paper.
Determine your core values. What is the internal compass you're living your life according to and where does it come from? If you’re not sure where to start with pinpointing your values, think about what you continuously come back to as being important and reflect on times you’ve felt guilty or ashamed about actions you’ve taken.
Ask for feedback. Feedback can be scary, but it can also be illuminating. As humans, we have a lot of cognitive biases and don't always see ourselves clearly. Being open to feedback from others (especially in instances of rejection) can help you round out your view of yourself as well as spotlight areas for potential improvement.
Work on your interoceptive awareness. Your body is the only relationship you literally have from the cradle to the grave, and that relationship needs to be nurtured just like any other. The more strongly you can hear your body's signals and respond to them, the better your relationship with your body will be. To increase interoceptive awareness, you can practice checking in with yourself regularly, learn how to do mind-body scans, become an intuitive eater, and make space for your feelings.
Consider what things you keep saying you're going to do but haven't done yet. Why do they remain incomplete? Do you really want to do those things? And if you think the answer is yes, do you also want to prioritize those things? Or, is it time to let go of some of them to make room for other things that are more important to you at this point in your life?
Carefully assess how you spend your time. Many of us complain about not having enough time, but it's also common to have a warped view of how our time is being spent. It may be worth it to keep a time diary for a couple of weeks to create a more reliable picture of where your time goes. You might be surprised by the patterns you find. Another avenue to think about is who you spend your time with (and whether you dread it or look forward to it).
Think back to your childhood. What was your personality like as a kid? What kinds of things were you really into? If you're not into those things anymore, why do you think that is? If you can't remember much on your own, you can try speaking with your childhood caregivers or looking through photos or memories from that time to help you remember.
Make a list of the things people have told you you're "too X " of, whether that's too much, too sensitive, too smart, etc. When the word "too" is being thrown at us, that's often a sign of a gift we have that doesn't fit into the qualities our culture has deemed desirable. Try to turn your toos on their heads and see if you can find the power in them.
Engage with nature. You don't need to be an outdoorsy person to benefit from the natural elements. Some people feel rejuvenated from hiking or kayaking while others prefer smelling flowers in their backyard or watching birds through a window. Regular engagement with the natural world can help you position yourself in the wider universe and provide grounding and healing.
What do you tend to lie about and why? While it's true that some people are 100% truthful, most of us lie or obscure the truth from time to time. What you lie about may hold a lot of information about your fears, triggers, and past hurts.
Spend quality time with yourself. There's a difference between being alone and spending intentional time with yourself. Allowing yourself unstructured thinking, dreaming, and being time can be enlightening, as can taking yourself out on dates, going on solo adventures, and traveling alone. If you're resistant to spending time with yourself, that's worth getting curious about.
Make room for creativity. Even if you don't think of yourself as a creative person, you can benefit from creative practices. Redefine what creativity means to you. If you don't like to paint, don't paint. If you don't like to bake, don't bake. There are endless possibilities for flexing your creative muscles. The goal is simply to stretch your mind and tap into parts of it that you don't often have the opportunity to.
Who do you feel jealous of and why? We’re taught that jealousy is an ugly emotion, but I think it’s a natural and telling emotion. Where jealousy leads, information about yourself usually follows.
What are the top three to five things you’d be disappointed to die before doing? Think about the places you want to visit, the experiences you want to have, and the things you want to learn how to do the most. Are there any steps you can take right now to make at least one of those things a reality?
Question your first thoughts. Ever since I saw a Tumblr post years ago that carved out the difference between first thoughts and what comes next, I've continued to think about it. We regularly get bogged down in our first thoughts and believe they define us, but in reality, our first thoughts are usually our learned responses to the world around us. If you can make a habit of pausing to examine your first thoughts, that will help you inform the choices you make as a result of them.
Learning about yourself is a lifelong process because we're all in a permanent state of becoming. For every layer you peel back, you'll grow shiny new ones—meaning you could come back to everything on this list over and over and continue to learn more.
I don’t suggest thinking of the above list as a to-do list where each item is meant to be checked off in order. Instead, I recommend thinking about it as a series of loving invitations to learn more about who you are. Start with whichever ones beckon to you the most right now (or scare you the most if you really want to go deep).
Remember, your sense of self is not static—it's fluid. Whatever you glean from this list of suggestions reflects this point in time and your current lens. For that reason, I would recommend saving this list somewhere or printing it out so that it's easily accessible to future you and you can reference it whenever you're feeling inspired to go deeper with yourself.
And if you’re feeling a sense of dread about more closely examining who you are, something I like to remind myself is this: whatever is within me that I’m scared of is already there. Ignoring it won’t make it go away; rather, it will allow it to keep directing my life from the shadows. Whereas if I choose to shine a light on it and understand it better, I’ll gain more autonomy over my choices.
Queerly yours,
Shohreh
To get in touch, shoot me an email at hello@shohrehdavoodi.com. For more from me, follow me on Instagram, TikTok, and Threads.
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